If I had a nickel for every time I heard from one of my friends (or friends of friends) that "nice guys finish last," I would not have considered the economic incentive to start a blog. It is an ubiquitous cliché that almost always shows more the shortsightedness of the aforementioned whiners than those whom they are whining about. The problem is always her, they say: women always want the proverbial "bad boy" that they can tame, right? Women always pick "The Situation" over the sensitive poet/musician/artist type, right? You're starting to see the logic unravel slowly, I hope... which is why you then ask yourself, "Are all women stupid?" I kid, I kid...
A wise friend (with a gorgeous girlfriend who I also love to death, I should add) once told me that anyone can be nice; the trick, however, is to make yourself attractive by going beyond being nice. It's also not a static process, but rather a dynamic one that takes (wait for it...) work over time. That's why I compiled a list of ten questions any guy should ask himself before he reaches for the victim lever after a break-up or rejection. I'll add small commentaries to each one.
1. Do all "nice" guys finish last?
It can't possibly be that every nice guy who you know has this problem. Think of every nice guy in your life, friend or not. Do any of them have girlfriends? Out of the ones who do: are their girlfriends great? Do you think that any of them are being given the shaft, on account of being "too nice?" Maybe there are other attributes to your friends that make them special, in the eyes of their significant others. I have to hit on it again, as I mentioned in the introduction: you've got to go beyond nice. Nice is good, but it's not the catch-all solution to your problems. Be you (if that you is nice, great), but find a new secret.
1. Do all "nice" guys finish last?
It can't possibly be that every nice guy who you know has this problem. Think of every nice guy in your life, friend or not. Do any of them have girlfriends? Out of the ones who do: are their girlfriends great? Do you think that any of them are being given the shaft, on account of being "too nice?" Maybe there are other attributes to your friends that make them special, in the eyes of their significant others. I have to hit on it again, as I mentioned in the introduction: you've got to go beyond nice. Nice is good, but it's not the catch-all solution to your problems. Be you (if that you is nice, great), but find a new secret.
2. Are you really a "nice" guy?
This question used to always follow with an automatic "yes," but it didn't really dawn on me in the past to ask. I've been rejected, passed over, and dumped in my life, and each time I thought I was the nice guy compared to whomever took the so-called girl of my dreams. This question doesn't take a month's worth of Facebook or LinkedIn research: it's entirely up to you to analyze yourself. Ask yourself the last time you did anything nice for anyone. Then ask yourself the last time you did something nice for your ex/any girl. If you're still convinced that the answer to question 1 is "yes," ok. We continue...
3. What makes/made you special to your ex/any girl?
Ninety-nine chances out of a hundred, it's not your awesome shampoo...
I demand to know the last time any girl who a man dated/plan to date said that they were interested because the man was "just so nice." If you found ways to make her happy in the past, and they've since gone stale, that's on you. If you can't attract a woman by any means of anything, maybe you're just a bit boring and need to find a new hobby. Even a**holes have hobbies: girls don't just walk up to them out of sheer interest, on most occasions.
4. What actually makes you "attractive" to anyone?
This question does not attack anyone's self-worth (girlfriend or not, you should have a healthy dose of self-worth), but rather asks how you define yourself as different from, say, the meat head next door. Are you an artist? Better question: are you a good artist? Are you a writer? Better question: do you actually grab people's attention, or did you mean that "yes" in an "I-get-A's-in-school-get-off-me-bro" sort of way? Are you in good shape? I actually took to heart a quote I once read, which (poorly paraphrased) asked if guys expect to date supermodels, shouldn't they too look appropriate to pose for Calvin Klein? Attraction is a two-way street: if you're losing out, all hope is not lost. Moving on...
5. Is there any way I can make myself better?
6. What are your standards these days?
Never would I recommend that a guy "settles" for someone less appropriate than what he wants. People who settle only end up being unhappy in the long run, and there's a very good chance you (or your significant other) will refer to #2 to find out where things went wrong. That being said, ask yourself why you think you need to date a girl who looks like Kate Upton. Why does she have to be good at the guitar? Why should she be an outstanding volleyball player? Why does she have to be able to catch your attention at lunch, as you stare off at other girls? A helpful exercise would be to reverse roles on this one... again, the answers may be surprising to you.
7. Do you expect girls to walk up to you and introduce themselves?
This question may die with the overconfident-yet-socially-awkward types, but normal frustrated, single guys really should take inventory of how many times they have initiated conversation with a girl in the past month. I used to be the kind of guy who adhered to a herd mentality: I would meet girls within groups of both guys and girls, away from the pressure of doing so in a bar. Over time, as I discovered that it just didn't work, I tried to break from the pack, and it worked... well, not nearly all the time, but far more than the old strategy. Guys, take a risk: go out and try to talk to girls. What's the worst that could happen... she walks away?
8. Do you share too much/too little about yourself?
"Nice" guys are known for their honesty. I'm guilty of this one from time to time, where I shared things about myself that made girls entirely uncomfortable and unwilling to talk to me again. While it is very important to talk about politics, religion, family and other sensitive issues in time, they can break a relationship if said too early. People will disagree with me here, of course, and say that someone worth your time will welcome/embrace you no matter who you are or what you believe; excuse me, it's bunk. There's a hierarchy of things to talk about with a potential significant other, ranging from light to the heaviest of heavy, and you've got to learn to gauge those sorts of things.
9. Are you even meeting girls in the right place?
10. With all this cynicism/pent-up anger, what are you going to do when you actually win?
No one likes a cynic. Sure, they get plenty of laughs on Facebook when they cleverly debunk things that make people happy in life, but there will never be a good dating conversation had over how lonely/lost you were before you met said girl. Girls also don't like to be told that their gender is a bunch of bitches (conversely, guys get bored of the "all-guys-are-pigs" line), and so it's not worth your time to sit and cry over relationships that didn't have a chance or girls with whom you simply blew it. Again, anyone can be nice; it's really what you do after being nice that wins hearts. Being angry and bitter even after you win is not going to help you: time to find the off switch.
I'm not one for making guarantees, but if you take the time to ask yourself these questions after a break-up, a lonely night at the bar/club or an entire year of no luck whatsoever, you're going to turn your confidence around a lot quicker. Put a little bit of swagger in your step, fight to make yourself better every day, and eventually dating will take care of itself. Patience is a virtue, and so is self-improvement. Finally, just be confident: if you're too afraid to even swing the bat, how will you ever hit the ball? That being said, it's Friday, and it's Labor Day weekend. Go out and have a great time. A more confident you will make a lot more people have a good time!
This question does not attack anyone's self-worth (girlfriend or not, you should have a healthy dose of self-worth), but rather asks how you define yourself as different from, say, the meat head next door. Are you an artist? Better question: are you a good artist? Are you a writer? Better question: do you actually grab people's attention, or did you mean that "yes" in an "I-get-A's-in-school-get-off-me-bro" sort of way? Are you in good shape? I actually took to heart a quote I once read, which (poorly paraphrased) asked if guys expect to date supermodels, shouldn't they too look appropriate to pose for Calvin Klein? Attraction is a two-way street: if you're losing out, all hope is not lost. Moving on...
5. Is there any way I can make myself better?
Even he found the motivation to smash the crap out of a printer, some significant physical exercise.
Part of the reason I'm compiling a blog is because I ask myself this question every day, dating or not. Unless you've exerted yourself to the point that any more personal growth activities will cause you to have a stroke, listen to this question. Did you really give the last woman in your life your best effort? I don't care if you don't think she did: if life were fair like that, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Could you afford to read a book from time to time? Work out a couple times a week? Eat healthier? Dress a little better? Help people less privileged than you? These questions are not difficult to answer: the problem is that many don't like the answers.6. What are your standards these days?
Never would I recommend that a guy "settles" for someone less appropriate than what he wants. People who settle only end up being unhappy in the long run, and there's a very good chance you (or your significant other) will refer to #2 to find out where things went wrong. That being said, ask yourself why you think you need to date a girl who looks like Kate Upton. Why does she have to be good at the guitar? Why should she be an outstanding volleyball player? Why does she have to be able to catch your attention at lunch, as you stare off at other girls? A helpful exercise would be to reverse roles on this one... again, the answers may be surprising to you.
7. Do you expect girls to walk up to you and introduce themselves?
This question may die with the overconfident-yet-socially-awkward types, but normal frustrated, single guys really should take inventory of how many times they have initiated conversation with a girl in the past month. I used to be the kind of guy who adhered to a herd mentality: I would meet girls within groups of both guys and girls, away from the pressure of doing so in a bar. Over time, as I discovered that it just didn't work, I tried to break from the pack, and it worked... well, not nearly all the time, but far more than the old strategy. Guys, take a risk: go out and try to talk to girls. What's the worst that could happen... she walks away?
8. Do you share too much/too little about yourself?
"Nice" guys are known for their honesty. I'm guilty of this one from time to time, where I shared things about myself that made girls entirely uncomfortable and unwilling to talk to me again. While it is very important to talk about politics, religion, family and other sensitive issues in time, they can break a relationship if said too early. People will disagree with me here, of course, and say that someone worth your time will welcome/embrace you no matter who you are or what you believe; excuse me, it's bunk. There's a hierarchy of things to talk about with a potential significant other, ranging from light to the heaviest of heavy, and you've got to learn to gauge those sorts of things.
9. Are you even meeting girls in the right place?
Embrace awkward. It's still better than embracing nothing.
I kind of have to chuckle at the guys who think that they will meet their girlfriends/future wives in a bar, and then whine that they didn't have any luck there for reasons ranging from the "sausage fest" line to every girl there had a friend who got sick and had to go home. Confidence goes a long way in a bar, or in any crowded social situation: if you're not good at engaging people there, maybe it's time to try a new place. Volunteer somewhere, and meet some new people; pick up a new activity at the gym; try some "speed dating," if you don't think you can talk to someone for the first time for long (just don't tell anyone that it's where you met her, if you're successful). There are all kinds of places to meet new people: broaden your horizons.10. With all this cynicism/pent-up anger, what are you going to do when you actually win?
No one likes a cynic. Sure, they get plenty of laughs on Facebook when they cleverly debunk things that make people happy in life, but there will never be a good dating conversation had over how lonely/lost you were before you met said girl. Girls also don't like to be told that their gender is a bunch of bitches (conversely, guys get bored of the "all-guys-are-pigs" line), and so it's not worth your time to sit and cry over relationships that didn't have a chance or girls with whom you simply blew it. Again, anyone can be nice; it's really what you do after being nice that wins hearts. Being angry and bitter even after you win is not going to help you: time to find the off switch.
I'm not one for making guarantees, but if you take the time to ask yourself these questions after a break-up, a lonely night at the bar/club or an entire year of no luck whatsoever, you're going to turn your confidence around a lot quicker. Put a little bit of swagger in your step, fight to make yourself better every day, and eventually dating will take care of itself. Patience is a virtue, and so is self-improvement. Finally, just be confident: if you're too afraid to even swing the bat, how will you ever hit the ball? That being said, it's Friday, and it's Labor Day weekend. Go out and have a great time. A more confident you will make a lot more people have a good time!
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