Note: These entries will not have anywhere near the number of pictures that I normally put on my blogs. Nonetheless, the words are intended to be more profound. This is going to be one introspective week.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days. I opted not to go on vacation for Semana Santa, something that has made more than a few people give me a funny look. Apparently not traveling during this coming week suddenly makes evidence of leprosy appear on your skin. Nonetheless, I had a decent rationale: I'll take this week to do a couple different things, catching myself up both academically and financially. I have to write a big paper for one of my classes, worth 40% of the grade, as well as work a few extra hours tutoring in English to make sure I've got some extra money for what will be an otherwise boring month of May.
Besides all of this, I've also been thinking a lot about faith. This is Holy Week, a week designed to give us one last chance before the end of Lent to get our act together before Easter hits us like a freight train. Confess your sins, go to church, think good thoughts, say a few extra rosaries, the list goes on... the point is, if you royally screwed up during Lent, you should do your best to fix it.
And so... I'm taking this week to meditate upon a profound part of the Bible, and something we all know if we've seen The Passion of the Christ: We call them "the Seven Last Words of Christ." Some people call them "sayings," but the same meaning holds. Christ made seven distinct sayings over the four different Gospels to which we give value. As this is the first day, let me focus on the first saying:
"Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34)
Christ, on the cross, took a profoundly sympathetic attitude towards his persecutors, in spite of the fact that they had just scourged him, forced him to walk miles with heavy wood on his freshly scourged back, and nailed him to the aforementioned wood. In a sense, he had good reason to be a little bit mad at the world. Nonetheless, he prayed for their conversion up to his dying breath. Beyond that, he maintained that they had no idea what they were doing, something that could not cut into their hearts, hardened by the politics of Jews and Romans in Roman Judea.
I look at these words with a heavy heart. Not only have I been in situations where I found it hard to forgive people, but I've also done bad things to people that have made me wonder if it was even possible to forgive me. Sure, God forgives every time we go to confession and make our penance, but people don't have the same hearts as God. People have all kinds of reasons to maintain grudges in their hearts, and sometimes it seems completely rational, especially when I'm the one who they're holding a grudge against. I think to myself, how could I have been that stupid? Inconsiderate? Cruel? Unreasonable? You think for a minute about some kind of penance, but then your own pride gets in the way. How far are you willing to lower yourself to make peace with those who matter? It's hard.
I don't name names on my blog unless it's for something good, but I remember almost everyone in my life who I've hurt. If I don't, it's probably because I drank too much or had too much on my mind to remember. People who know me know that I have a good memory, and I can't deny many times that I know something if I've come across it. The biggest penance that I have to make in my life is to find ways to make those who I've hurt forgive me. That's not the only step, either: then I have to work up the courage, fighting back a couple tears, to forgive myself. With more time, I hope to be able to do it.
For now, however, I stop what I'm doing, clear my head, and pray on it for a few minutes. If a rosary is nearby, I run through the decades, trying to meditate on the importance of the mystery while thinking about the good and the bad I've been through in a given day. Hopefully, looking at the second saying tomorrow, I'll be able to reflect on some of my redeeming qualities and how they're helping me to balance the effects of a heavy heart. Have a good night, everyone.
